Several Points That Wouldn’t Fit on My Pride Parade Sign.
I’ve always needed a lot of processing time, even after I make decisions I feel good about. I’ve been in Chicago for two years and I’m still thinking about that move. In high school I was in an AP History class where my classmates gave out personality awards at the end of the semester, which is just mortifying in the first place. I got the Quiet Award. It was written on a paper plate that I immediately threw away before crying. It’s gotten a lot better since then. Last year I got an award, written on a note card, for being empowering. This, of course, also made me cry, but for different reasons.
This weekend I had the opportunity to attended Chicago’s Pride Parade with the Marin Foundation’s I’m Sorry Campaign. A bunch of us made signs detailing our apologies to the LGBTQ community, wore “I’m Sorry” t-shirts, and hung out and talked to people all day. I had been thinking about the event for weeks beforehand, trying to whittle down why, exactly, I’m sorry. I’m a big believer in specifics. I don’t want to just run around dolling out something as important as an apology, when it isn’t serious. I spent a lot of time on Sunday, between conversations, continuing to think about it.
When our group was making parade signs I told the people sitting at my table that I felt like I should be writing a short essay on my sign. Since that would have been weird (and quiet), I’ll continue here.
The whole Pride day was really beautiful. At one point this mother and grandmother paraded in front of us with signs reading, “God blessed me with my gay son,” and “God blessed me with my gay Grandson,” and it made me really grateful for him.
The sign I made said, “I’m sorry for listening to an institution, not Jesus.” And I really mean that. It’s an apology I have for other types of people too. But, I’m sorry for a lot of other things.
I’m sorry for thinking too much and not verbalizing enough questions. I’m going to try and be better at this. A few years ago I listened to a sermon on homosexuality that concluded in the fact that the gay community had high suicide rates, proving their lack of mental stability, which, of course, means they shouldn’t get married. Briefly –I’m sorry someone in the church accepted Jesus, went to seminary, reached ordination, was accepted into a church community, and then preached such a shallow message. I’m sorry I didn’t dig deeper into the reasons for hopelessness, fear, and self-harm, and assumed the speaker knew what he was talking about. I’m sorry for sitting through sermons that weren’t Biblically based or accurate. I’m sorry that I’ve been told multiple times that a person is turned gay if they have a bad relationship with their father. I’m sorry for not calling that bullshit, right on the spot. I’m sorry for letting the phrase “love the sinner, hate the sin,” come out of my mouth, even when it isn’t biblical. I’m sorry for not considering the entirety of the gospels which detail how Christ wants us to live in solidarity with other human beings. I’m sorry it’s taken me a long time to stand up for, and converse with, my gay friends in hopes of understanding and supporting them. I’m sorry that I spent a lot of time being a polite Christian instead of working my way toward a messy crucifixion. I’m sorry I still care about being right. I’m sorry for being ok with a 5th grade interpretation of the Bible, well into my 20’s. I’m sorry that this year was the first time I’ve considered seeking out positive leaders in the LGBTQ community so I can be part of not only celebrating them but, promoting them in hopes of breaking down negative, unhealthy, stereotypes that have possibly been promoted by the church.
I think apologies are extremely important. I have more of them just simmering in my head for now. But I also think that reconciliation and emotional healing should include thankfulness. So, here is why I’m thankful:
I’m thankful for all the love and respect I’ve received from that LGBTQ community. I’m thankful for the self-confidence and joy that are so apparent. I’m thankful that this weekend I got to dance around like the lanky, white girl I am and no one even made fun of me (which is rare). I’m thankful for the gay parents I know (and for those I don’t) who are raising brilliant, loving, and accepting children. Thanks for giving my clients (see other blogs for who these are) a reason to celebrate humanity this weekend. They have a hard time doing that on a regular basis and the celebration of diversity helps them to be better girls, women, and mothers. I’m thankful, that in some situations, the only positive relationships my girls have ever observed are those in the LGBTQ community. I’m thankful those relationships exist and serve others. I’m thankful that you’re letting me work this out in your space, even though I don’t have any right to. I think this is the kingdom of heaven at work. I’m thankful for people who have ignored the institution of the church and sought Christ and spiritual community on their own terms and I’m thankful for their forgiveness. Thanks for letting me be a little quiet in hopes of working toward empowerment.
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22: 37-40
